34? So how?

I turned 34 last Tuesday (20th Nov). 34. The morning of it, I thought to myself "Where to now?". I started assessing my place here on earth. The job I'm in, the future I'm heading towards? What was to become of me? Little things crept up, the "if onlys" came. Then I began to feel sorry for myself. And then angry at myself. Where does my destiny truly lies? In the media? Somewhere else? Something more stable? Am I happy with what I'm earning? Can I not find something that pays better?

The morning of 20th Nov, I turned on my laptop and received my daily dosage of reading from the bible.

And the headline shouts to me: WHEN GOD PUTS YOU ON HOLD and part of the message reads: "...God will let you practice in a place where your weaknesses can be worked on, your gifts developed, and where your mistakes won't affect too many others...If God has put you on hold today, it's because He loves you and wants only what's best for you...Try to understand this: God sees the end from the beginning and He has already mapped out your journey. He knows that if you rise too quickly there are dangers..."

Sometimes I want so hard to believe that THIS is the right thing. But I'm not sure. To what extent do I trust my instincts? Until the day someone tells me "Sorry Joe, we can't pay you anymore"? Do I wait? I weighed the practical points. Did a bit of SWOT analysis. Everything says that I should look for something stable. But will I be satisfied with that? What about my passion? My interest? Can it not be decided purely for the love of something?

Commitments...ah yes...always a shadow. It affects your decision. I have over the years worked in numerous capacities. Unfortunately I have little taste for things that don't go as planned. Like people not keeping their end of the bargain. That usually dictates whether I should stay or leave. And then there are others: company wind ups, business gone bad, and the lot. It's been a rather unlucky 10-11 years for me when it comes to work. Okay, let's make it fair -- 50/50 reasons -- some I decide to leave at my own accord. Others, I just have no choice (not that I was fired). Like when I was in HR and Training. I loved that job but what to do when the founder decides to relieve all of the consultants from fulltime employment and have them on project basis. So there goes my monthly income. I would have stayed with that company (even if it meant not pursuing a writing career). But it was not meant to be.

Fast forward to 2007. Here I am after landing myself a job with this new company for close to one year now. How do I see it? It's been quite an experience. Sometimes, you feel lost because you don't know what's happening anymore. But the magazines are going on well. Produced each month. I intend to keep it that way, unless, the management decides to change the business nature and we find ourselves in different roles. I can't imagine myself being a door-to-door salesman tho.

So where to now? I don't know. Wait till the nickle drops and then start squirming? Perhaps. I love writing. I love my job. But does the job love me back? In all these years, I have a strong feeling it's been very fickle on me. It better not be because I'm a "mass comm" grad. A trained multi-tasker. Oh well...even that has its good and bad points. Right now, more bad points seem to pop up.

So, 34. Six more years and I'm there. 40. What have I got to show for myself? Nothing much. Can I be satisfied with "just this"? I don't know really. We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, I'm going to ignore my instincts, and take that Tuesday readings' advice.

Hapi Buffday Bearuang. May all your wishes come through...ha ha...